I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
