The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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