Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
