Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
