Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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