i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
