Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
