he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
