who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
