just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
