Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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