am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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