Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
