***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
