You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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