I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He felt like a one man threesome
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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