I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
