So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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