I wish I could teleport
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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