Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
