on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
