Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize