You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I look better un-naked...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
