Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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