So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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