Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
