i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
