Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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