Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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