Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
