She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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