The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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