I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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