If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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