You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
