Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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