She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast