So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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