Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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