U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
