I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
