i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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