Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
