You're a womanizer and a bitch.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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