seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
