Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
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I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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