Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
