I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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