Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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