can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
