I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he shaved USA in his pubs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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