Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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