Swine flu. Run for my life!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
