a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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