isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
